Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.

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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.


If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.


My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.


there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.


If you want to play frisbee
Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee
And when you get hungry from playing frisbee
Eat your frisbee


For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.


[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”


Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*


ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches


90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there