They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.
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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
If you want to play frisbee
Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee
And when you get hungry from playing frisbee
Eat your frisbee
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking
ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic
ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there