Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
the battle rages on
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.