@DrakeGatsby

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

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@drinksmcgee

When you wake up after a night of binge drinking and you can’t remember how you ended up in the situation you’re in.

@Storminika

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

@Jandalize

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

@chuuew

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it

@anerdonfire2

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

@ipalatsky

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

@ChaseMit

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

@yoyoha

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

@ewfeez

The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole