Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.