MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012