*Catches the dead body at the wedding*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Me: How much for the selfie stick?
Him: Sir, that’s an Olsen twin.
Me: I’ll take it.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling up stairs.