Marc Anthony jeans at Kohl’s come in three cuts – tuberculosis, heroin addict and skeletor.

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My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.


When people argue about sports and one says “Care to make it interesting” I assume they’re going to start talking about something else.


Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show


I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.


DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want


I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.


[turning off Shrek 2]
well, i’d say that movie was shrekcellent!
“trent, 1 more shrek pun and i’m divorcing you.”
oh karen, don’t ogre-react


[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit


“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”


Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.