[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
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Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.