March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
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How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING