Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.