@PhilJamesson

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

You Might Also Like

@curlycomedy

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

@weinerdog4life

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

@WilliamAder

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

@jonnysun

“911 wats ur emergency”
hi– huh? um– so, uh– ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number

@Darlainky

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

@Dutch_50

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

@Jake_Vig

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

@Dwarven_Cleric

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

@lizard_wizard77

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee