@PhilJamesson

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

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@scot7a

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

@Nahdude83

A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@weinerdog4life

I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.

@Marlebean

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

@DestryBrod

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

@jake_lach

Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?

@HatfieldAnne

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@o__0Dev

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.