ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
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A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.
I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
You, you dumb slob.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.