Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”


The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs


I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!


“911 wats ur emergency”
hi– huh? um– so, uh– ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number


I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.


My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!


HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.


After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.


“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee