Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
You Might Also Like
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why