imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.