@Mirimade

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

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@ilurngood

imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.

@OllyiConic

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

@shkeeber

Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
Judge: What?
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
J: No.
M: OBJECTION!

@joshgondelman

My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.

@prufrockluvsong

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

@momsense_ensues

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

@juliussharpe

Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.

@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.