marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
You Might Also Like
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie