@Pliny_theElder

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

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@attsmcjay

Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”

@AlcoholAndTacos

Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@iwearaonesie

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

@iTomFoolery

I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

@gianni_bcn

*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*

@DadZZZasleep

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

@gwynnballard

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

@Skoog

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god