Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
A work from home email:
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Manager of House Operations
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god