@Lisabug74

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

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@RandiLawson

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

@GrandadJFreeman

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

@jennifer_reber

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

@QwertyJones3

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

@mixedgrass

If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”

@bartandsoul

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

@NicCageMatch

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.