Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.