@ObscureGent

Marijuana is a dangerous drug. My uncle once got so high that he thought it was OK to explain the musical history of Santana and the Grateful Dead.

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@TeaAndCopy

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

@SkinnerSteven

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

@JohnLyonTweets

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

@Thrill_Tweeter

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

@ComedicBust

I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.

@vodkachrome

My next relationship will be with someone who thinks “Wine” is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what’s for dinner.

@Reel2Dialog2

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

@Henry_3k

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.