*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Breaking news:
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Mornin. * use accordingly