Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
It do be feeling this way.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.