drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
One venti cheeseburger please.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.