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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name



napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.


[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”


I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.


Almost fell on the ice this morning.

In a split second, I had to choose between saving my life or saving my coffee.

Now I’m alive with no coffee.
And questioning my judgment.


A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.


*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?


Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.