@Holy_Mowgli

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

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@oakhillbargrill

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

@OBiiieeee

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

@HatfieldAnne

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

@daemonic3

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

@sad_tree

Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.

“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”

@Vodkantots

My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all.

He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.

@cravin4

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”

Now what do I do?