My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.
Almost fell on the ice this morning.
In a split second, I had to choose between saving my life or saving my coffee.
Now I’m alive with no coffee.
And questioning my judgment.
A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.
Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.