MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
what are they serving at kfc then???
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear