MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Noah was an idiot.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”