MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years