MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”