@daemonic3

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

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@KeetPotato

wife: “im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it”
store owner: “it’s okay”
me: [lying in a coffin] “the first one was better”

@dril

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

@ericsshadow

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

@attsmcjay

Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”

@Darlainky

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

@WheelTod

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@LittleMissAngr1

Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.