wife: “im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it”
store owner: “it’s okay”
me: [lying in a coffin] “the first one was better”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”
“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes