Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.