Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Oh boy, $150,000!
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”