Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
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killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I feel attacked.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.