mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
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If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this