Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
2 years later
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
*names my little horse OneTrick*
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.