mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late