Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
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My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
work smarter, not harder
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.