Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
this has done me in for some reason
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Found the job I’m suited for
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.