Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
the saddest jazz hands ever
How to woo a woman
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”