Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

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*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date


*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*


SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot


*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office

*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting



I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.


[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…


I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.


Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.


Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.