@PaperWash

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

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@Poutymcgee

*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@BeardedSteel

*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office

*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting

*retracts

@sarah1mc

I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.

@lisaxy424

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

@jlock17

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

@KenJennings

Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.

@TheThomason

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.