mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“what that mouth do?” complain
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..