There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Now playing: With Myself.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
oh you’re a feminist? name every woman
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I am drinker.
Hear me pour.