Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches


Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’


* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word


[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…


the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.


Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.


The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.


i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha


you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich