Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling