[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this