Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
You Might Also Like
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
That’s no pocket rocket.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Mhm.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.