-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
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TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
True?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I have a type: disappointing
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My five year plan is a meteorite
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what