Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off
CLARK KENT: no
*sees Deer Crossing sign*
*further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix*
“Oh wow, they weren’t lying”
Wife: STOP TOUCHING MY FOREHEAD!
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.