Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.