Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
You Might Also Like
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
pls suprot
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.