My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
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Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up
Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.