Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I feel it
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.