You Might Also Like

@new_waster

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

@ninatreemonkey

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

@electrolemon

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

@leakypod

Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

@SCbchbum

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

@Daveastated

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

@johndashgreen

Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.

@osigat

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.