Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
thank god
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
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HEYYYY MACARENA