[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Holy moly
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.