[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’