Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve