Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
christening a ship with an overripe banana
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
This is my cat’s medicine.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.