The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty