Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.