Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

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American: Say Aboot or Sorey? You say words so weird.

Canadian: Yeah eh. Does saying Free health care hurt your feelings?


WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat


I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.


Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]


I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.


3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together


Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.


Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match