Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*