@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

You Might Also Like

@karlainvt

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@_sinistroll

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

@fart

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

@BillMc7

me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.