Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.


I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?


the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane


Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.


An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.


Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.


Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.


me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.


If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.