@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

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@KeetPotato

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

@VocabuLarry

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@CakeLikeBeth

Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure

@daemonic3

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

@pilau

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

@TheTimmyToes

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

@elunatyk

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

@AndLookPretty

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

@brianbowman73

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.