American: Say Aboot or Sorey? You say words so weird.
Canadian: Yeah eh. Does saying Free health care hurt your feelings?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
Siri, fight Alexa.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together
Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.
Computer: choose a password
Computer: confirm password
Computer: passwords do not match