@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

You Might Also Like

@JustDontBugMe

American: Say Aboot or Sorey? You say words so weird.

Canadian: Yeah eh. Does saying Free health care hurt your feelings?

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

@shanemadej

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

@SirEviscerate

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

@SamGrittner

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

@hellohappy_time

3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together

@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

@professorkiosk

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match