we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?