Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled